Essays →

Runner’s blues

July 12, 2023

The whinny alarm keeps buzzing on my wrist, but my eyelids feel as heavy as the bedsheets.

“Ah, fuck it! Not today.” My groggy mind manages to say, but my body is already clumsily seating at my side of the bed. I’m not sure whether to thank or curse the force of habit which, at least for today, has managed to be stronger than my urge to go back to sleep. “Ok bastard, you win. Lets do this.”

My gear is there, carefully set out and waiting for me since the previous night. I sigh before methodically dressing up and checking every piece. I’m ready, perhaps not truly willing, but goddamned fucking ready.

I’ve always hated this part of marathons almost as much as I love running them. I know the feeling so well that by now I can almost guess the exact day and time it will hit me. It still feels like a punch in the gut every time. It’s just the way things are.

“The fucking runner’s blues.” I mutter, and chuckle quietly to myself thinking it would make a pretty great name for a band. It’s not really that funny, but at least it makes me feel a little less like shit.

The early dawn is cold and lonely. The overcast sky does little to raise my mood and every part of my mind keeps telling me to just go back to bed and let it all go to hell… But I know I will still run today, I have to.

The music in my ears and the pounding of my feet on the pavement feel awkward and disjointed, but only for the first few minutes. Soon the pounding becomes swift firm steps, a rhythmic glide, a private dance.

My senses fully alert to my surroundings and blood rushing to my slowly waking limbs, I feel the cool breeze on my face and smile.

I’m not fully back yet, part of me still has to be dragged out against its will to run along the empty city streets. But running has made me smile again, that’s how I know I’m slowly but surely getting there.

The ghost of runner’s blues will soon be gone. My soul will once again be laughing and eager for the next adventure. But for now, I just have to be patient and give my mind and body time to grieve and heal.

I just have to keep going.

Just one more step.

Just one more mile.

Just one more day.

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